This weekend was exactly what it should be.
Fun and Relaxing.
Friday began with taking a nap instead of running like I was suppose to –> Weirdest thing happen, I went to stand up to get ready to run and I immediately got lightheaded. A headache soon followed as well as me crawling into a bed for a mid-afternoon nap instead of running. ooops
Then happy hour fun ensued. (As usual)
The BF meet some of my favorite girls from my class and it was like watching two worlds collide. luckily there was no explosions and both sides approved of the other :) although, not quite sure what would happen had that not occured? lol
We went to Moes afterwards and in my drunk frenzy, I got carried away with the Hot Sauce.
See, it looks all innocent and delicious. However, it burned like crazy. I still ate it all but I couldn’t not feel my mouth afterwards.
The next day was a 5 mile run in a new area. It was great to explore a new area and I am thinking this may have to happen more often :) Then the BF and I spent the day at the mall, Target, and checking out a new healthy supermarket.
This supermarket was great! I saw so much I wanted but none that I needed to pay so much extra for! These places are expensive! I instead went to Walmart and spent $23 on my weekly grocery shopping this morning. Maybe one day I can afford to shop me. Goals people, goals.
I noticed something interesting about myself this weekend. I am gaining control over everything but sweets. Let me explain. Since I have decided to really work hard to not only get a control of my binging but also a control over my relationship with food, I have lost four pounds. Four pounds in less than five days. Now I know that may seem crazy but this is only a reflection of how I was eating and how my body is not meant to be at this weight. I never felt deprived in those four days or anything, I just knew I was eating better than I normally do. Then the weekend hit. Ah, the damn weekend. I felt fine when I ate Moes and decided I needed something sweet and wanted FroYo. Normal. I had a craving and I satisfied it. But then the next night the same need for something sweet hit. This time I ate a whole King Size Hershey’s Bar and 10 chocolate chip cookies. Not Normal. So what changed? I know for sure, had I not bought the chocolate chip cookies I would have not eaten them and the same with the Hershey’s Bar. The craving would have gone away or I could have eaten something else that would be equally satisfying. This leads me to believe that having these sweets around, these trigger foods are not something I am ready for. And I don’t think that is bad.
Sometimes when I make these rules for myself, I wonder if it is normal or not. But I think this is. If in 10 years, I still cannot buy cookies and expect myself to ration them out and make them last, my life would be completely normal. I would think that eventually I will grow the self-control and strength to not give into the ED but for now (and who knows how long) I cannot. Plus, it is not worth it! I do not NEED these trigger foods in my life. The difference between eating the Frozen Yogurt and the candy and cookies is the feeling afterwards. I do not feel guilty and ashamed. With the cookies and sweets I do and I immediately feel weak and vulnerable. My Ed comes in promising that I wont eat the next day and I react by eating more cookies. I feel worse and think the cookies will help. I eat more. Then I realize I am binging, I am eating food because of emotions and not because of a physical need. And then my mood changes. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. Instead of feeling good, I see exactly where those cookies went. After that, I am in a bad place mentally.And no cookie, no sweet, is worth looking in the mirror and feeling like shit. No sweet is worth laying in bed and grabbing at your ‘flab’ for hours before falling asleep. And many may disagree and I will never completely restrict myself from eating sweets again but I am restricting myself from allowing these in my life on a daily basis. I won’t say I wont eat a cookie or dessert at thanksgiving but I don’t think I am at a place where buying some cookies to eat during the week will get my anywhere closer to my goal. I think it would be Ed if I said I never planned on eating these again but I do plan on not putting myself in situations where I have to deal with my trigger foods unnecessarily.
Are there trigger foods for you?
Do you force yourself to deal with them or do you just avoid them?