Busy Bee/Perfectionism

This week has been that week.

The week when the *&%$ hits the fan.

And I am a busy busy busy bee.

No, not the cute and slightly intoxicated one that appears on Halloween night.

The stressed “im going to fail at life” one.

I had two tests, a lesson plan (which in my program is a 9 page paper filled with scripting and explanations), and started the rest of my tutoring and teaching hours.

As a result, I am up at 7 and awake till …well, real late.

And the weather stinks, so that is making me crankier.

Atleast I have cute rainboots.

But really, I am happy this semester is starting to pick up. I know that the first couple of weeks was the calm before the storm and there is something almost comforting about being “in the storm”.

I am having a hard time struggling running, teaching, and classes right now but I have confidence that days will get better.

I am also not happy with my eating again.

But when I am in the classroom, being called “Mssss Alaina”, none of that matters. I am in my teaching zone, my comfort zone, my me zone. And I actually feel important and needed. Perhaps me being a teacher is more of selfish reason than anything else 😉

 

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My real reason for writing right now, when I should be doing ANOTHER lesson plan, is because of a conversation I had the other day. It probably meant nothing to him, but it sort of struck a cord with me.

I have had to run a bunch of errands this week to get permission to take my grad classes and to have a graduation check completed. While visiting one of my advisors, the man was looking through my records and making notes about my transcript. When he saw my GPA he was quite taken back. I am a senior and have a 3.98 GPA. . He congratulated me and told me of what honor status I will probably graduate with and how remarkable that was. As a complete joke he asked what I had to give up for that. I said my soul and we both laughed it off. HAHAHA.

Not. I left his office and my response really began to resonate with me.

Because in fact, my perfectionism has taken a part of me.

I thought about how those perfect scores were such a mark of my hard work and well intelligence for everyone else but also for me, they immediately brought back moments of self-hate.

While Ed uses my weight to remind me of how gross and out of control and disgusting I am, Mrs. Perfectionism uses my grades to remind me of where I am not good enough.

To be honest, when looking at my GPA I wonder what happened to those .02 points. When I get a test, anything less than a perfect score will lead to some sort of general put down- no matter how hard the test was or how hard I tried. And when I get that perfect score, I put myself down that I had to study for it. My need for good grades is not a competition to be better than my peers but rather another unobtainable standard set for myself.

And I really do want to be proud of myself. While everyone else can recognize my hard work, I simply cannot.

When it comes down to it, if Loving yourself or even Liking yourself was a class  I’d fail. Like get an F, bring down my GPA fail.

So how do I do this? My nutritionist and therapist tell me that I need to start loving myself.

I should be writting down each morning and night, one thing I like about myself. I have written zero.

I don’t know how to like anything about myself without adding a but.

– I have a good GPA but my classes weren’t that hard.

– I have strong legs but my thighs are jello.

– I have pretty hair but I have to do it every morning so it isn’t natural.

– I am pretty but I am not.

And even if I don’t say the but, Ed or Ms Perfectionism always has to throw one in.

I am beginning to think before I can really fix my body, I need to fix my mind and heart.

And I am really beginning to think ‘buts’ should just be for sitting on and pooping.

DO you deal with Ms Perfectionism?

What are some things you love about yourself that doesn’t have a ‘but’?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Busy Bee/Perfectionism

  1. I think everyone is hard on themselves to an extent… Try and write somethings without adding the but. I’ll start.

    Alaina is a very good writer.

  2. Rachel says:

    i can totally relate to this, and when i tried to think of things i loved about myself, i realized that i did start to put a but at the end of a lot of them. like i love that i’m generous, but hate that it ends up hurting me a lot. i love that i’m eager to listen and support people. i love that there are certain people and beliefs i hold close to my heart and would take with me to my grave. you’re dead on about the idea of having to fix your heart/mind before any other healing can take place. i’m struggling with that right now… but eventually i’m sure the battle will be won! especially if you reframe perfectionism and try to strive for excellence instead. perfection is hardly achievable, but excellence is. it’s much more fulfilling to strive for something attainable, than a bar that only gets higher and higher and higher.

  3. Ashley says:

    yea mrs perfectionism has been with me my whole life and she is quite annoying.In a way its actually okay that we are perfectionist (hello look at your gpa!!) as long as it doesnt become obsessive. We all make few bad grades after a fun night out. After you graduate are you going to miss those .02 points more than you are going to remember the fun nights out in college? I know how the weight thing is too, I think it just takes time and consistently ignoring the ED when it tells you to lose weight. Either way the fact that you are managing an ED and college at the same time is awesome and hard, give yourself a break 🙂

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