Lets be real: Life is really a juggling act
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t still have trouble juggling life. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I constantly try to find ways to control my life only to be reminded that I can’t do it all. I would be lying if I said Ed was not always trying to take the little balls of life out of my hands to juggle on his own.
Then I added marathon training to this.
It is one more ball to throw in the mix. One more ball to not drop. One more ball to keep me on my toes.
Let me start by saying that I deal with a consistent dislike for the way my body looks and the way I fit into clothes. Just over 6 months ago, I weighed over 30 pounds less and went to bed hungry. While I was very sick, that was the body I had become comfortable in. It was MY body. But with recovery, to really get to a healthy point, came gaining weight and I had to overeat. I really had to push my limits and take in as much as I could. It was beautiful to see my body and personality come back to life but it soon became a habit. Perhaps something people should really talk about is that part of recovering is dealing with overeating and then the inability to stop. I had lived so long not allowing myself to eat so when I could, it was hard to hold back. The extra undesirable pounds packed on but at the same time I was trying so hard to not control my life with restriction of food. While I know how to diet, I don’t know how to diet moderately so I live in a fear that a couple of pounds while spiral into a relapse.
Part of the reason for signing up for the marathon and to dedicate so much of my life to it, was so that I had no excuses but to treat my body right. I could not eat too little and I could not eat too much. I know my body was meant to weigh less than this and my healthy weight was 10 pounds ago. I know drastic changes in my life aren’t needed but rather just train hard and eat right. Sounds easy enough, right?
But with the idea of losing weight never too far from my mind, I stuck with the foods I have always eaten. Enter in all the food I would eat in day in, day out: cereal with yogurt, plain sandwiches, pretzels, graham crackers, plain brown rice with plain chicken etc. The foods that I have always liked to eat so it was all I ever ate. Now these foods have consistently stuck by my side through ED, and then through recovery and to this day. When beating ED, it wasn’t abnormal for me to have multiple servings of each of these foods at the same time. Then I began going back to rationing my portions and journal food. So now, in a new stage of my life why do I find myself bingeing and then purging?
Days on end, I will get by just fine on these foods and then out of nowhere, like today and yesterday I am unable to stop eating. Why does it feel as if my body is rebelling against everything I want it to do?
My body is completely tired and bored with these foods. I still have all my food journals and when looking back there was literally the same exact foods day in and out for the past three years. Part of me feels as if I am still anorexic when I eat them and the other part is scared to truly leave them behind. However, I find they do absolutely nothing for me now and live me feeling unsatisfied mentally and physically. I keep eating them, hoping to fill that void until it turns into a “binge” which throws away all hopes of finding my healthy weight. I feel as if I am turning back into my ways of restricting foods without really restricting the quantity. Rather, I am restricting the quality.
I think its time to completely get rid of those foods and to find a new way of eating that will still be in a healthy realm but will give me the energy and fuel to run and live the way I want to. It’s hard and scary to step outside of those lines I have drawn for myself. Its hard to think outside of the box but all signs are pointing to that my diet is not working anymore for me. Its time for some changing.
please help me with ideas of real food to fuel up with!
What new foods do you eat that helps to keep you full and satisfied?
Am I the only one the struggles with finding the balance between eating right, exercising right, and still living?
***********Word to live by************
(I use to write this over and over again when trying to beat ED and I find it still hold true)
I will fight.
I won’t give in.
I am stronger than that
I deserve better than that
I have talents to share
and a story to tell
I will not hide forever.