Lets be real: Life is really a juggling act

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t still have trouble juggling life. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I constantly try to find ways to control my life only to be reminded that I can’t do it all. I would be lying if I said Ed was not always trying to take the little balls of life out of my hands to juggle on his own.

Then I added marathon training to this.

It is one more ball to throw in the mix. One more ball to not drop. One more ball to keep me on my toes.

Let me start by saying that I deal with a consistent dislike for the way my body looks and the way I fit into clothes. Just over 6 months ago, I weighed over 30 pounds less and went to bed hungry. While I was very sick, that was the body I had become comfortable in. It was MY body. But with recovery, to really get to a healthy point, came gaining weight and I had to overeat. I really had to push my limits and take in as much as I could. It was beautiful to see my body and personality come back to life but it soon became a habit. Perhaps something  people should really talk about is that part of recovering is dealing with overeating and then the inability to stop. I had lived so long not allowing myself to eat so when I could, it was hard to hold back. The extra undesirable pounds packed on but at the same time I was trying so hard to not control my life with restriction of food. While I know how to diet, I don’t know how to diet moderately so I live in a fear that a couple of pounds while spiral into a relapse.
Part of the reason for signing up for the marathon and to dedicate so much of my life to it, was so that I had no excuses but to treat my body right. I could not eat too little and I could not eat too much. I know my body was meant to weigh less than this and my healthy weight was 10 pounds ago. I know drastic changes in my life aren’t needed but rather just train hard and eat right. Sounds easy enough, right?

Not Quite

But with the idea of losing weight never too far from my mind, I stuck with the foods I have always eaten. Enter in all the food I would eat in day in, day out: cereal with yogurt, plain sandwiches, pretzels, graham crackers, plain brown rice with plain chicken etc. The foods that I have always liked to eat so it was all I ever ate. Now these foods have consistently stuck by my side through ED, and then through recovery and to this day. When beating ED, it wasn’t abnormal for me to have multiple servings of each of these foods at the same time. Then I began going back to rationing my portions and journal food. So now, in a new stage of my life why do I find myself bingeing and then purging?

Days on end, I will get by just fine on these foods and then out of nowhere, like today and yesterday  I am unable to stop eating. Why does it feel as if my body is rebelling against everything I want it to do?

My body is completely tired and bored with these foods. I still have all my food journals and when looking back there was literally the same exact foods  day in and out for the past three years. Part of me feels as if I am still anorexic when I eat them and the other part is scared to truly leave them behind. However, I find they do absolutely nothing for me now and live me feeling unsatisfied mentally and physically.  I keep eating them, hoping to fill that void until it turns into a “binge” which throws away all hopes of finding my healthy weight. I feel as if I am turning back into my ways of restricting foods without really restricting the quantity. Rather, I am restricting the quality.

I think its time to completely get rid of those foods and to find a new way of eating that will still be in a healthy realm but will give me the energy and fuel to run and live the way I want to. It’s hard and scary to step outside of those lines I have drawn for myself. Its hard to think outside of the box but all signs are pointing to that my diet is not working anymore for me. Its time for some changing.

please help me with ideas of real food to fuel up with!

What new foods do you eat that helps to keep you full and satisfied?

Am I the only one the struggles with finding the balance between eating right, exercising right, and still living?

***********Word to live by************

(I use to write this over and over again when trying to beat ED and I find it still hold true)

I will fight.

I won’t give in.

I am stronger than that

I deserve better than that

I have talents to share

and a story to tell

I will not hide forever.




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9 thoughts on “Juggling

  1. I have been in the same exact place so I understand how you feel and what you’re going through. Once I started eating again I gained weight, but kept gaining more than I wanted to. I’d eat a lot of the same foods, but because I needed to eat more, I wasn’t satisfied. I gave up all the plain food(i’d eat cereal and yogurt every morning) and thinking about eating those foods again makes me feel kind of sick now. Breakfast is my biggest meal now and I usually have a substantial amount of cold cereal with lots of fruit and nut butter, eggs with a whole wheat sandwich thin and fruit or oatmeal with different fruit combinations. I have at least one Shakeology shake a day and that helps with nutrients and then for either lunch or dinner I try to have lots of veggies with quinoa or some sort of fish or veggie burger on top. It’s still hard for me to stay balanced sometimes, so you’re not the only one!

    • amj08e says:

      Thanks so much for letting me know I am not alone. Its hard to not to feel as if I am still sick and weird. Super comforting to know that balancing eating right and working out is a hard thing to figure out! Thanks for the advice with food!

  2. Rachel says:

    ED so such a sneaky, manipulative ass. i definitely need to be searching for more foods too. it’s so easy to stick to the same things over and over and label them. i’m found food journaling to be really detrimental actually. menu planning is helpful, but once you let yourself track, that’s just an easy in for ED. i hope things get easier for you, i’d love to be there for you in any way i could! i totally feel you on the “my body is rebelling” thing and it just sucks. it makes it so much harder to not give in to urges. but you are so strong and so brave! i know you can do whatever you set your mind to and get past the struggles!!

    • amj08e says:

      everyone is so different when it comes to food journaling but I think I find it helps me. I dont neccessarly show anyone but a lot of times, especially when I was anorexic, I would look at what I ate and appalled and it would motivate me. I do it for me, and I don’t let Ed use it against me. Things are much better today because I am not focusing on losing weight through food but rather let exercise ease me back into my healthy weight. Its so important to be able to self-monitor yourself and realize when Ed is coming. Thanks for the encouragement, your words mean to much me!

  3. bbalcar says:

    Your story is so powerful. There are so many other women out there who are going through exactly the same thing. You can do it 🙂 You should eat wholesome foods. If it doesn’t grow from the ground or have a mom you shouldn’t eat to much of it 🙂 You should burn that journal because all it has is negativity. You should make some french toast after your long run…. that’s seriously the best thing ever!

  4. Sweet Cheeks says:

    Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog! I will be sure to read more of yours now. Hope you have a great weekend!!!

  5. I saw you stopped by my blog and have been reading up on yours! Your story and strength is inspiring…don’t forget to give yourself credit to where it’s due!!! Although i’ve never suffered from an eating disorder I AM human so of course I battle with making healthy choices while trying to be in good shape. When i’m training for races I just make sure to fuel up on whole foods and eat portioned meals. I like to keep in mind that the guilt/after effects of eating too much is not worth the few minutes of bliss while eating. I only have one life to live and one body to live it in so I try to be appreciative of it and take care of it! Good luck and i’ll be following along 🙂

    • amj08e says:

      thank you so much! your advice about what to do when dealing with guilt of food is something I will be using (hopefully, not too much!) in the future! You philosophy is great and I love it!

  6. Raffi Darrow says:

    You can ease into new foods by doctoring up your old foods. Switch your rice to quinoa for a few days… Have a yummy sauce full of veggies on your chicken… throw your cereal and yogurt in the blender with a banana or raspberries and chia for a smoothie…
    Honestly, this is the first time I have seen your blog. I have no idea what you like or what you are allergic to, but my husband and I cook almost every single day so I am usually full of ideas! Today I am having lentils for lunch that I cooked up yesterday with onion, garlic, chopped apple, curry spices – and I’ll probably add a TB of vanilla yogurt. For dinner last night we had breakfast – scrambled eggs and banana bread pudding made from the leftover ends of the whole wheat bread my kids won’t eat but I throw in the freezer, and bananas, shredded coconut and vanilla almond milk. Whenever you need an idea, name one ingredient and tweet me @rafdarrow, and I’ll give you a recipe!

Let me know what you think :)

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